Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lioncame by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "Howfunny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbedthe lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good timeto be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he hadto think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion. Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide. The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter'sshirt and hat, and started to read the paper. A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunterreading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in more...

Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one more...

Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch more...

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year!
Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME more...

Dear Boys and Girls,
Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew? I always thought the little bastards were gay!
I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now it's electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly tech support to the north pole?
Don't even get me started on the damn reindeer. "Eight tiny reindeer" my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat I have my doubts they will even get off more...

16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo.

15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of' full moon.'

14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's.

13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery.

12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff.

11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks.

10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay.

9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?!

8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff.

7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull.

6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week.

5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd.

4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.

3> more...

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear." What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear." I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred." Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass. All pissed off more...