Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when the
blond guy turned to the other and said he needed to go to the
bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the
bushes. When he came back the other said, "That was fast."
"Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass
with."
The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a
dollar, and wipe your ass with it."
"O. K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes
back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his
hands and says, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get
shit all over me, I've got 4 quarters stuck up my ass!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J. C."
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and Spook."
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When more...

After a tourist had been served in the las vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist."Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon' n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work.. more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100.' Nuff said.. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is more...

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter
14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
13. Spin the Salt Lick
12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
11. Moose or Dare
10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Elf Tossing
2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he more...

Yesterday I got from my boss the Performance Evaluation results he was doing for a while.
Here is a copy of it.
PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
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Under the freedom of information act and the federal privacy act of 1974, I understand that my work
performance is being evaluated. I have the right to review and discuss differences in order to resolve
them and I have the right to request amendment to and/or modification of any document.

Name: Tunga Date of review: 26th January, 1998
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KNOWLEDGE: 1 [V] The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2 [ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
3 [ ] Only has half a brain and is dangeruos
4 [ ] Fucking brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher I. more...