Assign Jokes / Recent Jokes

31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
39. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams more...

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And more...

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.

If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.

If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.

If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.

If he is sleeping, he is Management material.

If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.

If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.

If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.

If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.

If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, more...

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The Following Guidelines Shall Be Used When Hiring New Personnel.

Take The Prospective Employees You Are Trying To Place And Put Them In A Room With Only A Table And Two Chairs. Leave Them Alone For Two Hours, Without Any Instruction. At The End Of That Time, Go Back And See What They Are Doing.
If They Have Taken The Table Apart In That Time, Put Them In Engineering.
If They Are Counting The Butts In The Ashtray, Assign Them To Finance.
If They Are Screaming And Waving Their Arms, Send Them Off To Manufacturing.
If They Are Talking To The Chairs, Personnel Is A Good Spot For Them.
If They Are Sleeping, They Are Management Material.
If They Are Writing Up The Experience, Send Them To Technical Publications.
If They Don't Even Look Up When You Enter The Room, Assign Them To Security.
If They Try To Tell You It's Not As Bad As It Looks, Send Them To more...

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are more...

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are more...

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.If they are writing up the more...