Assistant Jokes / Recent Jokes
So this bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
"Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?"
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant more...
A man walked up to the pharmacist and asked for a pack of condoms. As soon as he paid for them, he began laughing and walked out.
The next day, the exact same thing happened. Thinking this was very strange, the pharmacist told his assistant that should the man return, he's to follow him.
Sure enough, the following day the same man returned and repeated his previous actions. As instructed, the assistant followed him.
When the assistant returned a short while later, the pharmacist asked, "Did you follow him?"
"Yes I did," replied the assistant.
"Well, where did he go?" asked the pharmacist.
"To your house!" answered the assistant.
Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...
Subject: Going Toastal -- a tale for the dilbert age
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise level of toastal more...
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished stoned jewelry.
"I am' Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich more...
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's more...
AN assistant working with a foreign concern applied tor a loan to buy a scooter as he had to travel more than thirty kilometres per day and change three buses to reach office. Management took a sympathetic view and sanctioned the loan tor purchase of scooter on the condition that it the assistant failed to pay the monthly instalments to clear the loan, the scooter purchased would be impounded by the company.
The assistant then applied for a loan to build a house. The management again sanctioned the amount required with the condition that it he failed to pay back the amount in monthly instalments, his property would be impounded by the company.
Now that the assistant had a scooter and a newly constructed house, he felt he could take a wife and applied for another loan for marriage expenses. It was granted with similar condition that it he failed to pay monthly instalments, the goods acquired by the loan would be impounded by the company.
The assistant acquired a wife. more...