Atheist Jokes / Recent Jokes

I recently became an atheist. Since I stopped being Jewish, I lost my discount privileges.Being an atheist is almost like being a Jehovah's Witness, except fun. I love it when people tell me I'm going to hell, because it turns into a game of Rock,Paper,Scissors:
"I'm going to hell?HAH! I don't believe in hell! Atheism trumps hell! Wanna go again?"

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

An elderly woman was very well-known for her strong faith and her boldness in always talking about it. Very often she would stand on her front porch and shout out, "Praise the Lord!"
This would infuriate her next-door neighbor, who happened to be an atheist, and he would shout back at her, "You silly, old bat, there ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send some help. As she stood on her porch, she shouted, "Praise the Lord! God, I am having a hard time and really need some food. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning she went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. Immediately, she shouted, "Praise the Lord!"
Suddenly, her neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and said, "Ha, you dumb, old woman, I told you there ain't no Lord. I bought those groceries, not God."
The old woman began jumping up and down, clapping her hands, and said, more...

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
"Coincidence on 34th Street"

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!""Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"