Atomic Jokes / Recent Jokes

New Chemical Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered byinvestigators at a major U. S. research university. The element, tentativelynamed administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomicnumber of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic massof 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves thecontinuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can bedetected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes onereaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normallyoccurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at whichtime it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in more...

Valuable scientific data.

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Element name: man

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: more...

AMES, IA-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...

The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25
Number 4/1979. P. O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United
States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that
all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States
courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and more...

Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: MAN Symbol: XY Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to! @#$&*! Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct more...

MATERIAL SAFETY - DATA SHEET
"W O M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lb but known to vary from 100 to 500lb
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas & trace elements in most others.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface is usually covered in a powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, Freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. more...