Atop Jokes

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" Hence... the story of the Angel atop the tree.

The End of the Raven

By Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,

Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.
' Raven's very tasty,' thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
' There is nothing I like more'

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and more...

Adventurer Sir Edmund Hillary has died at age 88. He was the first man atop Mt. Everest.

Big deal, there's been NO man atop Rosie O'Donnell.

Santa and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Santa found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn`t know what to do to empty the hole.
Jeeto says, "Why don`t you go ask Banta down the road?"
So, Santa goes down to Banta`s house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don`t know what to do to empty it."
Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it`s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Santa thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long more...

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you more...