Awful Jokes / Recent Jokes
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood. I can not even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime.
I did not kill Nicole and Ron I did not kill them, Ito-san
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you? ”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you? ”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them. ”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. ”
“Why’s that? ”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight. ”
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it more...
One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side, it had snowed during the night and everything wascovered in snow. He looks down and sees somethingwritten in urine on the lawn it reads"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD". Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "Ihope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For themto write it in the spot it's in they would have had tobe on my deck. Please help me find this criminal." The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Doyou want to here the bad news or the awful news first." Bill sighs "bad I guess"." The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president... What'sthe awful news?!"The FBI agents look at each other..."The hand writing was Hillary's"
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep more...