Awoke Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. more...

Late one night there was a tap on the front door, so Joe awoke to have a look and there was this man asking him for a push, annoyed with him Joe slamed the door and went back to bed. His wife awoke and asked him who was it? just some guy wanting me to give him a push, so what did you say? nothing!! I just shut the door in his face... the wife got very upset with, chastised him and sent him back to give the poor fellow a push.
So Joe mumbling along went and opened the front door, but it was very dark and couldn't see anyone... so he hallowed "hey man where are you? sorry! can I give you a push now?" the voice returned from the dark corner of the garden "Yeh sure!!" Joe again goes where are you? the voice returns "Over here on the swing!!!"

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day andtrundled down the hallway to the community breakfastroom looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, methim in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly andasked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, hispenis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew thatMr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, soshe merely replied that she was sorry to hear the badnews and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfastagain but on this day he was dressed in a coat andtie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sureenough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- althoughsomewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that theday before he had told her his penis had died andasked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."

The First Mate of an old pirate ship awoke the Captain. "Captain, Captain, there's a warship approaching!" he exclaimed.
The Captain quickly ran to the bridge and, sure enough, a warship was heading straight for the pirate ship. He looked at his First Mate and said, "Get me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly fetched the Captain's red shirt and the Captain put it on.
The pirates were victorious over the warship and that night, as they were enjoying their victory, the First Mate asked the Captain why he had asked for his red shirt. The Captain explained, "If I were to get wounded in the battle, no one would see the blood." The pirates celebrated the courage of their fearless leader.
The following morning, the First Mate once again awoke the Captain. "Captain, Captain, there are a dozen warships approaching!" exclaimed the First Mate.
Again the Captain rushed to the bridge and immediately saw a dozen warships approaching more...

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. more...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, then stopped at the bank to make a deposit. He went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
Then it was already 1 P. M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, then sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way more...