Background Jokes / Recent Jokes

I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
''We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. The Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
"Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch... AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL more...

A few months ago, there was an opening with theCIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lotof testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training andtesting, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only oneposition was available. The day came for the final test to see whichpeson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took oneof the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you willfollow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Insidethis room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and killher." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't beserious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said theCIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job more...

   A few months ago, there was an opening with theCIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition.   After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took oneof the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you willfollow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Insidethis room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and killher."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't beserious!   I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said theCIA man, "you're definitely more...

Letter of complaint from a woman to technical support dept.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5. 0 system.

In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7. 4, NBA 3. 2 and NHL 4. 1. Conversation 8. 0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? smile. gif
Signed,
Desperate
And the answer received...
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5. 0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1. 0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6. 2. Husband 1. 0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3. 3 more...

Early TV news (late 1940's - early 1950's) was highly experimental, broadcast "live," and plagued with unforeseen on-the-air foul-ups.
David Brinkley writes in his new autobiography, "David Brinkley - A Memoir," of a particular incident he endured in the pre-Huntley days - one of those things you can laugh at later, but seems like a nightmare when it's happening. (Printed without permission:)
"One of Brinkley's first regularly-scheduled NBC TV news reports was five minutes of air time at 6:00 p.m. filled with scraps of film gathered during the day by a single cameraman, George Johnson, a nice young man totally inexperienced and untrained in journalism, working with a handheld, spring-wound silent-film camera, a Bell and Howell Filmo, wandering alone around Washington during the day looking for something, anything, to put on the air that night.
Whatever he brought in was broadcast while I sat in a tiny studio out of sight of the audience looking at more...

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not more...

Italy won the World Cup and now all my Italian-American friends are walking around with Italian flag t-shirts. That damn flag always makes me want pizza.
But whatever your ethnic background, I want you to know that I think it sucks dick and I hate you for being so proud of it. You have no control over your background. I'm Italian myself, but I don't act like it's some kind of an achievment. It's not like I saved up to be Italian. We don't have some story in my family that goes, "Son, when we came to this country, we were Mexicans, but through hard work..."
By the way, Italian-flag-waving-American-imbeciles, Italy fucking hates Italian-Americans. The reason your family came here in the first place was because they didn't want you in Italy. Do you actually think that real Italians are into gold chains and velour sweat suits, you tacky, hairy animals?
Your pal,
Kurt