Backyard Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the more...

A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!""Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz' bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz' wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz, "Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blowjob last night."
Stacz replies, "Na, na, na, na. I wasn't home last night."

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some more...

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
Little Johnny answered, "A damn swing set in the backyard."
"Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swing set in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?"
Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying more...