Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes

Kanjibhai and Ramjibhai were getting ready for the company awards dinner for the best salesman. Kanjibhai was in the running to win an award that evening and wanted to make sure he looked his best when he claimed his prize. He felt his luck was with him and was sure to win.

He stood in front of the mirror to fix his tie but the mirror was crooked, so he reached over to straighten it out and it came crashing down on the floor. "Oh no," said Kanjibhai. "Now I am going to have seven years bad luck."

"Nonsense," said Ramjibhai. My uncle once broke a mirror and he didn't have seven years bad luck."

"Really?" said Kanjibhai, feeling much better knowing that.

"Yeah really," said Ramjibhai. "He died that day."

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, more...

One afternoon a lawyer was talking to his client. The lawyer said to the man, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The client said, "I could use some good news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The good news is that your ex-wife is not making you pay on any inheritance you receive. And now the bad news - She is marrying your father."

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

These are the error messages that you might want to follow next time Windows Vista gives you a problem:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Now go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain? ”
10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off. ”
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
13) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
14) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A: 32CF: Incompetent User.
15) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use more...

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip. 9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage". 6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil. 4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard. 2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"1. Three words: eat the check.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.