Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

A Husband's Moment Of Realization A Woman's Husband Had Been Slipping In And Out Of A Coma For Several Months, Yet She Stayed
By His Bedside Every Single Day. When He Came To, He Motioned For Her To Come Nearer. As She Sat By Him, He Said, "You Know
What? You Have Been With Me All Through The Bad Times. When I Got Fired, You Were There To Support Me. When My Business
Failed, You Were There. When I Got Shot, You Were By Myside. When We Lost The House, You Gave Me Support. When My Health
Started Failing, You Were Still By My Side... You Know What?" "What Dear?" She Asked Gently. "I Think You Bring Me Bad
Luck."

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have badnews and goodnews. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, andwill need helpeating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12: 01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I more...

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"What did you say?" questioned the artist.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."

Why are women such bad drivers?
Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern! ” guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet? ” The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck! ” The only chip inside is a Dorito. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.