Bag Jokes / Recent Jokes
10. Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.
9. Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.
8. Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.
7. And then turn the light on.
6. Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".
5. Give them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating, explain that it's really a dog's heart.
4. Stuff a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it looks as if a person is in there. Say, "Sssh! Mummy is sleeping". And then start jumping up and down on the sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.
3. While eating roast chicken, more...
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”
The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station."
There was a red head, a blond, and a brunette running from the cops, and they come across an old abandon house. They run inside, and the brunette sees 3 burlap sacks. She picks it up and puts it on over her head, huddles in the corner, and says meow, meow, meow. So the cops come in the house and go up to the bag, and kicked it, and say "it must be a bag of kittens", and they move on. The red head grabs another one of the sacks pulls it over her head, huddles in the corner, and says woof, woof, woof. The cops walk by, and shine the flashlight on them, kicked the bag, and say "it must be a bag of puppies." They move on. The blond grabs the last sack, puts it over her head, and huddles in the corner. She starts saying potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But more...
Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already more...
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p. m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up more...