Bag Jokes / Recent Jokes
The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.
My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, more...
A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe more...
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well more...
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and
announces to the class that on each Friday, she
will ask a question to the class and anyone who
answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the
following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher
asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer. The following
Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars
are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next
Friday, he would somehow answer the question and
get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes
two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next
day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the
end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's
this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to
the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the
front of the room. more...
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. CPU is always in powersave mode. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.) Cranio-rectally inverted. Cunning as a dodo bird. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror. Defective hard drive / boot sector. Dense as a London fog. Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas. Differently clued. -- Dave Clark Dock doesn't quite reach the water. Does aerobics... in his head. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock. Doesn't adjust for more...
Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats. Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, "It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag." Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked, "Who's that?" "Oh," said Steve with a grin, "another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!"