Band Jokes / Recent Jokes
ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, the instrument he produced is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is to question their manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute. That should shut' em up!
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
From The Guardian weekly, January 9 1994
David Rowan presents the Excessively Distorted Language Awards for 1993
There is Usually a word for it
Camille Paglia Award for Verbal Pomposity
To Camille Paglia whose answering machine message goes like this: "You have reached the voicemail line of Professor Camille Paglia. Due to her pressing obligations as a teacher and scholar, Professor Paglia cannot personally return calls. Do not send faxes: Professor Paglia does not accept them. All packages are opened and inspected by the staff. Unsolicited materials without return postage may be automatically discarded. Urgent messges may be left on the tape to be reviewed by the staff. If you do not receive a reply to your letter or call, please assume that Profesor Paglia is not interested in your proposal..."
Native Californian Political Correctness Award
RUNNER UP: Santa Cruz city council, which debated a motion to outlaw "lookism", the practice of more...
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, heres the elastic band.
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
"tsk, tsk".
8. Ask students to call you more...
The Top 17 Rejected Band Names
17> Motley J. Crew
16> Pearl Bailey Jam
15> Derek from Dominos Here's Your Pizza
14> Marilyn Hanson
13> WHAM! Bam! Thank You, Hand
12> Strongly Worded Letter-Writing Campaign Against the Machine
11> Kenneth Starrship
10> Goyz II Mensch
9> Yo' Mamas and Yo' Papas
8> 38DD Special
7> Porno For Pedos
6> Nuns' N' Rosaries
5> MiniVan Halen
4> Nine Inch Males
3> Wait-D.M.V
2> Puff, The Magic Daddy
and the Number 1 Rejected Band Name...
1> The Yeastie Girls