Barman Jokes / Recent Jokes

a vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of blood, naturally the barman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of blood, again the baraman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into the bar, but before he can say anything the barman says "i guess you want a pint of blood" the vampire replies " no thanks a pint of warm water will do just fine" the barman then exclaims " but all the other vampires wanted blood" the vampire then pulls out a used tampon from his pocket and says "its all right, ive got a teabag"

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent. ”
“One penny?! ” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes. ”
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad? ”
“Certainly sir, ” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money. ”
“How much money? ” inquires the guy.
“Four cents, ” he replies.
“Four cents?! ” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place? ”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife. ” The guy says,
“What’s he doing with your wife? ”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business. ”

So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman “have you seen my brother? ”…
and the barman says “I don’t know, what does he look like? ” (ba-dum-tish)

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, more...

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, “A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you’re at it, have one yourself. ”
“Well thank you sir, ” says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, “Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else. ”
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, “Excuse me sir, but don’t you think you should pay me for that last round first? ”
The guy slurs, “I can’t. I don’t have any money. ” With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, “A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends. ”
“I suppose you’ll be offering me a drink too? ” the barman asks, marvelling at the guy’s nerve.
“Not likely, ” slurs the guy, “you get nasty when you’ve had a drink! ”

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer."Sorry I cant serve you," states the barman."Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice."Youre under 18," replies the barman.

There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it.
The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid"
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed.
One of the reps says, "Well, actually, I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a more...