Base Jokes / Recent Jokes
My Christmas Emails
I have a list of folks I know
all written my computer data base.
And every year at Christmas time,
I go and take a look at my data base.
And that is when I realize
that these names are a part....
Not in the data base they are written in
but of my very heart.
For I am but a total
of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those
I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you
for many years or a few hours
In some way you have had a part
of shaping things I do.
So never think my Christmas Emails
are just a mere routine
of names put on a computer list
and forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas Email
that is addressed to you...
It is because you're on that list of folks
that I'm indebted to.
Bullshit Bingo
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!
How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!!!"
Synergy
Strategic Fit
Gap Analysis
Best Practice
Bottom Line
Revisit
Bandwidth
Hardball
Out of the Loop
Benchmark
Value-Added
Proactive
Win-Win
Think Outside the Box
Fast Track
Result-Driven
Empower [or] Empowerment
Knowledge Base
Total Quality [or] Quality Driven
Touch Base
Mindset
Client Focus[ed]
Ball Park
Game Plan
Leverage
Testimonials from satisfied players:
"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes whenI more...
Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling more...
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the more...
Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, more...
Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
They play like the Mets.
Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995 You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip. They keep shouting "Do over!" When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!" Players constantly adjusting each other's cups. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!" They play like the Mets