Battery Jokes

1. Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
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2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.
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3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.
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4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
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5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
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7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.
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8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
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9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B. S. E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural more...

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls more...

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened? " "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them? " "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did...
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a more...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from' E' to' F'. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to' E'. What does that mean?

HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more more...