Become Jokes / Recent Jokes
The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so more...
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn`t know you had, in a way you don`t understand.
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he`s talking to you instead of his own.
Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can`t.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that`s what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don`t?
A: Depreciation.
Q: What is the difference more...
During the Pope's recent visit to the US, there was a woman interviewed on the news who is associated with a group that is fighting to have the curch allow women to become priests.
At one point she said: "There are church officials who tell us that women cannot become priests because there were no women at the Last Supper. I would have to respond: 'Who do you think cooked the food? Who served? And who cleaned up afterward?'"
Q: Where does a white baby go when it dies? A: Heaven Q: What does it get? A: Wings Q: What does it become? A: An angel Q: Where does a black baby go when it dies? A: Heaven Q: What does it get? A: Wings Q: What does it become? A: A Bat!
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about? ”
“It’s $50, 000, ” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer? ”
“That’s my business! Get me the course! ”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died? ” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer. . . ”
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING more...
So, who does this remind you of? . ... (men, hint: if you answer anyone we know you are wrong....)
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19 Surefire ways to know you're a Woman
1. You are a Bitch.
2. When asked' Is something bothering you?' reply' no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say' It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean' It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is more...