Beep Jokes / Recent Jokes

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the more...

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright.
Sure enough, the light changes and THEY'RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey more...

A witch joke
What is old and ugly and goes beep beep?
A witch in a traffic jam!

A witch joke
What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off!

A witch joke
What happened when the baby witch was born?
It was so ugly its parents ran away from home!

A witch joke
What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends?
A witch with a blindfold!

A witch joke
What kind of music do witches play on the piano?
Hag-time!

A witch joke
What does a witch do if her broom is stolen?
She calls the flying squad!

A witch joke
Why did the witch wear yellow stockings?
Because her grey ones were at the cleaners!

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not more...

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.If you are my friends, you owe me money.If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can more...

I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of several celebrities. Here is what I heard: CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away. You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six. Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?" BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us." LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound of the &*@#% beep!" JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I more...

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!