Begging Jokes

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then:' 'The Making of the President''
Now: The making of the President

Then:' 'Going blind''
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your more...

How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to more...

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk."

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doc, it isnt all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I dont want to miss the 4 oclock ball game.

Isn't this the truth!... 1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Douglas Street bridge. 2000: Dental bridge. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for more...