Believe Jokes / Recent Jokes
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers
of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you more...
The following supposedly a true story. This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing
before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"
The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"
Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."
The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."
Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"
"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to
Summerland."
Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily
closed for remodeling."
"What should I do now?"
Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have
to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and
to the left."
The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He
walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear
streams of water.
He walks on in and more...
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what???
I go right into labor. My OB doc said: "Make the trip."
Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since!
First, we couldn't agree on a name. Joe likes Emmanuel - I'm holding out for Jesus. In the middle of the argument all the animals in the stable start talking and taking sides!
Next, all these shepherds stopped by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough). And, since this is Joseph's hometown, the whole mishpuka seemed to drop in.
You wouldn't believe his weird "cousin" John! All the time he babbles about 'logos' and 'kerygma' and a whole bunch of stuff that's just plain Greek to me.
Then there's a Stella, (or is it Quelle?) who keeps asking me to write down more...
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been more...
GeekonicsBy John WoestendiekPhiladelphia InquirerWed., January 8, 1997NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language.The historic vote on Geekonics - a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" - came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language."This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics."No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all more...
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious...!
"We can't worship today. You do NOT yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe!"
"Believe???" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas???"