Belt Jokes / Recent Jokes

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For more...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...

Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? Been there, slain that. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched. Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. Wench: What's that sound? Knight: That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Your hovel or mine? Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? Dost thou practice safe hex? Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed more...

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.' This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed,' Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a more...