Bends Jokes / Recent Jokes

What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over? DoughnutsSent by Susan

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O. K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for more...

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.

"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.

At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.

"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"

"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when more...

John, Bob, and Steve were traveling through Africa. When, out of the bushes a tribe of natives grabs all three. The tribal chief tells them that they have to go out into the jungle and gather up ten pieces of the same fruit. So, John is the first back and he is carrying ten apples. He shows his apples to the chief and the chief said "You have successfully completed the first test. The second test is you have to bend over and have all the fruit shoved up your ass without making a sound." John bends over and takes the first apple, on the second he screams with horrible pain. The chief kills John and John rises to heaven.
Next, Bob comes walking out of the jungle with ten grapes. The chief says, "You have successfully completed the first test. The second test is you have to bend over and have all the fruit shoved up your ass without making a sound." Bob bends over and takes the first without feeling a thing. He takes the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.
"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had more...