Bernard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they more...

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. more...

How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, "Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can`t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I`m going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you`re talking!"

61-year-old Stephen Bernard died on March 7 at Cape Cod Hospital. A quite funeral service was held on March 11. However, there seemed to be some confusion during the service as pallbearers complained that the coffin did not feel full. A spokesperson for the family quickly explained that, “If it does not appear full it is because contents have settled during shipping and handling”

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates` vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they`re stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random more...

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

NOT so many years ago, George Bernard Shaw, poking fun at all things American, came out with some unusually caustic comments. A number of newspapers howled in protest, but one editor held his fire until Mr Shaw paid his much publicized visit to Miami. This editor's paper published a lengthy report of the arrival of Mrs George Bernard Shaw:
Mrs Shaw went to this dinner... Mrs Shaw attended that function... Mrs Shaw said this... and Mrs Shaw did that.
Then at the bottom of the long article was this casual afterthought:
With Mrs Shaw was her husband, George Bernard Shaw, a writer.