Bernard Jokes

THE late T. P. Kailasam was a well-known wit and writer in Kannada.' They say that you are the Bernard Shaw of Kannada,' said someone.
'Well,' replied Kailasam,' he is Irish and I am Iyerish.'

How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, "Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can`t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I`m going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you`re talking!"

Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, "recalls Gates. "I suddenly realised that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spareany change so that Microsoft has enough money more...

When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!

NOT so many years ago, George Bernard Shaw, poking fun at all things American, came out with some unusually caustic comments. A number of newspapers howled in protest, but one editor held his fire until Mr Shaw paid his much publicized visit to Miami. This editor's paper published a lengthy report of the arrival of Mrs George Bernard Shaw:
Mrs Shaw went to this dinner... Mrs Shaw attended that function... Mrs Shaw said this... and Mrs Shaw did that.
Then at the bottom of the long article was this casual afterthought:
With Mrs Shaw was her husband, George Bernard Shaw, a writer.