Better Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two on you.
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
How Can I Miss You If you Won't Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Knew you So Well.
I Still Miss you, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid she'd win.
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You here.
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss him.
She Got The Ring, And I Got The Finger.
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the No. 1 favorite country song is:
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've sure woke up with a few.

> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...

...Kim Kardashian, admitting she's made some mistakes & poor choices in the past, resolves to live a better life and get her act together so that she can make better mistakes in the future.

Q: Why is a double bass better than a violin?
A: The double bass burns longer.

We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later
We need to talk
= I need to complain
You're...so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute
= kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt more...

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?