Better Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and more...

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers... The questions are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i. e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. more...

I feel much better,
now that I've given up hope.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to. And one who reminds you of how far you've come.
Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth you're content to move beyond.
A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to re-telling it in your old age.
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
A resume that is not even the more...

10) Viet Nam was a jungle war; Desert Storm is a desert war. (as noted by V. P. Quayle)

9) The U. S. is not the world's most profligate waster of rice.

8) We are not killing Vietnamese women and children in Desert Storm.

7) The White House wasn't smart enough to come up with a catchy name for the Viet Nam war.

7') Viet Nam was a conflict--Desert Storm is an operation.

6) Some Americans actually believed that we were defending a democratic government in Viet Nam.

5) The time difference from the U. S. to the middle east is better suited to prime time live coverage of the festivities.

4) Nobody ever compared Ho Chi Minh to Adolf Hitler.

3) We hadn't been supplying weapons and intelligence to the North Vietnamese until weeks before the war began.

2) The networks didn't have slick computer graphics with dramatic theme music for the Viet Nam war. and the number one reason why Operation Desert more...

1st year–The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse. ”

2nd year–”Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need? ”

3rd year–”Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here? ”

4th year–”No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, more...