Bifocals Jokes

You Know You're Getting Older When...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, more...

You Know You're Getting Older When... Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D. You get winded playing chess. Your children begin to look middle aged. You're still chasing women but can't remember why. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. Dialing more...

You Know You're Getting Older When...Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.Your children begin to look middle aged.You're still chasing women but can't remember why.A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.You look forward to a dull evening.You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle and your belt won't.You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.Dialing long distance more...

Every Friday, Bob and Tom play golf. Tom is a terrible putter, so Bob always wins. One Friday, though, Tom doesn't miss any! He sinks every shot on the green. Bob can't believe his eyes.
After the round, Bob asks, "What's happened? You can't seem to miss today."
"Order up the beer, while I go to the restroom," Tom says.
When Tom returns, the front of his pants are all wet. "What the heck happened to your pants?" a confused Bob asks.
"I'll get to that in a minute. First, let me tell you about my new and improved game," says Tom. "Last week, I went to the eye doctor and he said I needed bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and I see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss."
"But what about your pants?" Bob asks again.
"I looked down and saw a little one and a big one," Tom explains. "I figured the more...

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:
That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"
"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one more...