Bigger Jokes / Recent Jokes

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back... then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a' good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a' great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- more...

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?"
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make them larger!"
"How?" she asks.
"Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs."
"Well, how long does it take?" she asks.
"They should expand over the years," he answers.
"How did you know that?" she wonders.
"I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?"

one day a husband and a wife was standing in the kitchen and the husband told the wife that her ass was getting as big as the oven. she said it wasnt so he took out the tape measure and measure the wifes ass and then the oven.and the wifes ass was 2 inches bigger then the oven. so later that night the husband and wife was in bed and he want to get freaky so he reach over and grab her leg, she look at him and said there no way in hell that im going to heat up this big oven for that little winear

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
THE NEXT DAY:
The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven one day as she notices Princess Diana passing by. "What a lovely woman," Mother Teresa thought, "doing all those wonderful things for the sick and starving of our world." As Princess Diana passes by, Mother Teresa notices that Diana's halo is much bigger than that of her own. "I had dedicated my entire life on earth to those sick and hungry, and her halo is bigger than mine?!" So, Mother Teresa decides to go find St. Peter and ask him about her problem.
Upon hearing the problem, St. Peter smiles a little and reassures Mother Teresa that,"It's not a halo; that's the steering wheel."

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait?)

2) thou shall not do drugz
(alcohol last longer)

3) thou shall not steal from K-mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)

4) thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect)

5) thou shall not steal from thy parents.
(every-1 knows grandma has more money)

6) thou shall not get in fights.
(just start them)

7) thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) thou shall not strip in class.
(hooters pays more)

9) thou shall not think about having sex.
(as nike sayz just do it)

10) thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.
(just leave them in the middle)

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons ('Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!'), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. -Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. -Dave Barry
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is more...