"Quotes About Computers" joke

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons ('Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!'), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. -Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. -Dave Barry
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -Rich Cook
An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.
-Rich Julius
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -D. E. Knuth, 1967
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -Kulawiec
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable. -Leslie Lamport, DEC Systems Research Center, 1987
A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. -D.W. McArthur
The Internet is an amazing communications tool that's
bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to
sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just
staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around
the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at
their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that
you're hearing. -Dennis Miller
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -Ted Nelson
I keep praying for answers on how to do routing and He keeps saying 'you got yourself into this mess, you figure it out.' -David Payer
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -Alan Perlis
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. -Popular Mechanics, March 1949
Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
-Ray Simard
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -Andrew Tannenbaum
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. -J. Wagner
The social dynamics of the net are a direct consequence of the fact that nobody has yet developed a Remote Strangulation Protocol. -Larry Wall
One computer is a problem. A computer network is a large problem. The internet is the world's largest problem. -Douglas Warren
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
-Unknown
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. -Unknown
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
-Unknown
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least unti