Bigger Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with more...

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock"!

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?""Why, yes, I do. How did you know?""Hickory dickory dock"!

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

The parents decide to take their son to a nude beach for a vacation. When they arrive, the father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Soon after, the son comes running to his mother and exclaims, "Mommy, I just saw ladies with tits a lot bigger than yours." His mom replies, "Dear, the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
Away he goes to play but comes running back a few minutes later. "Mommy, I just saw men with dicks a lot bigger than Daddy's," he said. Again his mom replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
He goes back to play but several minutes later comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen and the more he talked, the dumber he got."

Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...