Birthday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up with your braces stuck together.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find more...

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the more...

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything.She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, Whats the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you wont be empty-handed, will you!

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we more...

Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake, but he couldnt figure out how to get the cake in the typewriter so he could type Happy Birthday

For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into town and see what you can get with this." The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find.
He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck."
He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back."
He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.
Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.
When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.
His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!"