Blade Jokes / Recent Jokes
They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They
asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The
priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven
when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came
speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities
took this as divine intervention and released the priest.
Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping
that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the
guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches
from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.
The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the
blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your
problem is."
* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a “USA! USA! ” chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn’t “play with the big boys, ” and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting’s last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown. ”
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your “Smile. ”
* When you’re getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor’s dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell “Ooooooh yeah! ” more...
Once there were three men who were going to be executed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. The first man was a mathmatician, the second man was an artist, and the third man was a engineer.
The police led the mathmatician up and told him to say his last words. He said, "I will always die for my country." The men led him to the guillotine. The blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the mathmatician would not die.
The same thing happened to the artist. His last words were, "I will always die for my country." He was led to the guillotine and the blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the artist would not die.
When the police led the engineer up and told him to say his last words, he said, "I think I know how to fix the guillotine."
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.
The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.
He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set 5 minutes and wash clean. The
alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills
germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects
the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse
the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a splash of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from more...