Blame Jokes / Recent Jokes
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside".
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how... ?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) "Do not turn upside down".
(Oops, too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(As night follows the day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's more...
Hello, O it is you, dearest,
I know the world is bad I know you are alone
I know the weather makes you sad I know you expected me to phone.
I know the maid has not come again I know the grocer overcharged
Oh that headache again I know the man just barged
into our flat last night I know that the taps have gone dry
I know that you want to cry, I know you love me a lot
I know, I know it, sweetheart, If there is anything other than this to say
Say it, otherwise put down the receiver, pray, I am sorry to deny you even this little comfort or fun
But dearest Suman, Blame me not for this,
Blame Jagmohan.
The
new manager walks into his office and, while settling
into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds
the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered
1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from
his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will
save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency,
please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope
one first, envelope two second, and envelope three
third.'
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and
forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company
closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he
remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one
and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and
the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and
everybody's happy.
A few month later, more...
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, more...
Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.
1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, more...
Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.
1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway? 3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan."6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with more...