Bloke Jokes / Recent Jokes

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves more...

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer more...

This farmer had a donkey it was a so un happy so he ask this bloke if he could try and make his donkey laugh ok said the bloke he went up to the donkey and whispered something in his ear he stepped back, the donkey started to laugh the farmer could not believe it ok you can make him laugh can you make him cry. The bloke said no problems he went over to the donkey whispered something in his ear then stepped back the donkey started to cry as the bloke was walking of the farmer said hold on one minute how did you make my donkey laugh? The bloke said it was easy I said to the donkey my dick is bigger than yours how did you make him cry I showed it to him.

An Irish man walks into a church and goes to confess his sins

Bloke "father father i fucked a cat"

Father "a terrible sin this weeks penance is 20 whips around the back"

That night the vicar was thinking how he did it and thought he will give it a go so he picked up his cat turned him round and was just about to start when the cat turned and clawed his bollocks blood was coming out everywhere

Next week the same bloke came in bloke " father father i fucked a cat again"

Father " how did you do it" bloke " i put the cat in a box wrap cotton wool around him and cut a hole at the bottom of the box then i am ready"

The father turned round and said" your penance this week is to fuck the cat without the box"

This fella goes to the doctor and says'Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?'

The doctor said' put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work.'

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says 'Drop your pants.'

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says 'Doctor it's worked!! What was that?'

The doctor replies 'Lipstick remover'

This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said "put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked! What was that?"The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"