Blood Jokes / Recent Jokes

An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood.

The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had more...

by: Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen 10. Watch the bag fill. 9. Hyperventilate. 8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it. 7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people). 6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out. 5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang. 4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints. 3. Faint. 2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch. 1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

A Teacher Was Giving A Lesson On The Circulation Of The Blood. Trying To Make The Matter Clearer, He Said: "Now, Students, If I Stood On My Head, The Blood, Would Run Into It, And I Should Turn Red In The Face."
"Yes, Sir," The Boys Said.
"Then Why Is It That While I Am Standing Upright In The Ordinary Position The Blood Doesn't Run Into My Feet?"

A werewolf joke
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks!

A werewolf joke
How do you know if a werewolf’s been in the fridge?
The paw prints in the butter!

A skeleton joke
What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys!

A vampire joke
Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because they make themselves cross!

A vampire joke
Why was the young vampire a failure?
He fainted at the sight of blood!

A vampire joke
Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood!

A vampire joke
What do you get if you cross Dracula and Al Capone?
A fangster!

You might be a redneck if...
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a more...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."