Blood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to giveme $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted somemore before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in thedonation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,' 'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.''

The man says,' 'Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.''

''Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.''

''I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.''' 'Well, then, we need a urine sample.''

''I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.''

''All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.''

''I can't do that, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm drunk.''

The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure? Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure? D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the Brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the Blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the Stomach, " Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the Legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the Eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the Rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few more...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Your career won't progress beyond senator from Massachusetts.
-You sincerely belive alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group
-That damned pink elephant followed you home again
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
-Every woman you see has an exact twin
-You discover in the morning that you liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
-Five beers have just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner
-The glass keeps missing your mouth.
-When you go to donate blood, they ask what proof it is
-Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after bitting you
-You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
-Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
-You wake up in the bedroom still clothed, but your underwear is in the bathroom
-Even rednecks have stopped doing jokes more...

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."