Blood Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood
drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood
wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”
-What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
-What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
-What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
-What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
-What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
-What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait' till you're dead to rip your heart out.
-What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the more...
A new study indicates that artificial blood substitutes have led to a 30% increase in the risk of death and a nearly threefold chance of having a heart attack.
Early tests with ketchup and red wine were even deadlier.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "because I didn't."