Blood Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. . . " When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with more...
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, more...
A man and a woman got in an elevator at the same time one day. The man asked the woman which floor she wanted.
"Second floor", she said, "They're paying 25 dollars a pint at the blood bank".
The man replied, "I'm going to the fourth. They pay 200 dollars an ounce at the sperm bank".
A week later the man and woman both got on the same elevator again. The man, recognizing the woman asked, "Second floor?".
With her mouth closed and her cheeks puffed out, she just shook her head and held up four fingers.
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. more...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.
What's the difference between a more...
Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)
From the New England Journal of Medicine:
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.
Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the more...