Bloody Jokes / Recent Jokes

My father was a strict vegetarian. He forbade me to eat. Even onion, a harmless edible. That has nothing to do with meat. I wondered why father sermonised,'Beware of onion, touch it not. It has a bitter taste, With danger it is fraught.'

I realised the wisdom of father's sermon, When election results were out. Is not onion, the bloody onion, That caused the BJP's rout?

Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?

Former NFL star running back (and murderer) O.J. Simpson has been questioned as a possible suspect in an alleged theft at a hotel-casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, police spokesman said Friday. Simpson claims that he was conducting a sting operation to collect some of his own memorabilia.

In the room, police did find the items belonging to Simpson:

A Bloody Glove
A Bloody Knife
A Bloody football
A Bloody Heisman Trophy
A Bloody Jersey
A Bloody white diamond dress once belonging to Carol Channing and a pair of Bloody socks.

Simpson was adamant about having his name besmirched as a thief. "I hate being labeled a thief" stated Simpson.

Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by technicians, and an explanation of what they actually mean:

STUFFED. ..
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

FUCKED. ..
Terminally stuffed.

FUCK ME DEAD. ..
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

FUCK IT ALL. ..
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went more...

Thanks to Jo for this Ripper!

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I more...

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. While handing over the cup, the bartender asks, "
Don't you want a bloody mary?"
The vampire says,"
No thanks,"
and pulls out a used tampon.

Amsterdam (AP/UPI) -- While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts.
"You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
"Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
"Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless more...