Booze Jokes

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less
Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).
It's not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on "New Kids night" at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it's them.
Number 9. Be female.
Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can't expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend more...

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of more...

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.