Border Jokes / Recent Jokes

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition! ”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it? ”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks! ”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Why do you look so glum today?, the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report... his own murder. The man told the operator he had been "murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes." Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. "It was obvious he hadn't been murdered," said one of the arresting officers.NO... WE'RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOUTwo wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes - including a boa constrictor - hidden in the men's pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling more...

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Siberian Husky:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the more...

The BBC Gaza correspondent is sitting in her air conditioned hotel in the Gaza strip, sipping iced tea when her mobile phone begins to ring. She picks up the phone and hears a mysterious voice say, " comrade this is the ruling council of the military wing of Hamas and I would like to inform you that those Israeli pigs have just massacred hundreds of Palastinian women and children. "
The BBC correspondent then asks the mysterious stranger on the phone where and when this had happened but was just given the address of the small provincial hospital just inside the Israeli border where he claimed hundreds of surviving casualties had been taken earlier and informed her that all her expenses would be covered as usual.
Armed with this information she realises that she can finally prove to the world just how evil these Israeli, American Jewish lobby supported pigs really are. So she makes her way as quickly as possible across the border into Israel and to the more...