Bulb Jokes

How many linguists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he must consult the Oxford English Dictionary.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its more...

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Person 2: Why do you say that? Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up more...

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow- ing agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall more...