Born Jokes / Recent Jokes

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you more...

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?""Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured.""Well, how bad is it? Can I see?""Follow me, sir."They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.Follow me, please."They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?""No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all."Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?""Not your child, sir. Follow me."One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith more...

Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet? He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can`t take this, I`m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. more...

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father… I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through. I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness - after I was born. Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think we’ll ever find them? He said, I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide. ” My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get. I went to see my doctor… Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror … I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.