Boss Jokes / Recent Jokes

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in Canada - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the look of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came.
The boss duly appeared and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One", said the young salesman. "Only one!" blurted the boss. Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars" said the young man. The boss was completely surprised. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabber-gasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "this man came more...

There was a Latino man looking for job.
The boss asked, "Do you speak English?"
"Yes, Senor," he replied.
The boss continued, "I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow."
The Latino man laughed, "That's easy, Senor. Here it is: The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW."

1 "Employees are our most valuable asset."
2. "I have an open door policy."
3. "You could earn more money under the new plan."
4. "We're reorganizing to better serve our customers."
5. "The future is bright."
6. "We reward risk takers."
7. "Performance will be rewarded."
8. "We don't shoot the messenger."
9. "Training is a high priority."
10. "I haven't heard any rumours."
11. "We'll review your performance in six months."
12. "Our people are the best."
13. "Your input is important to us."
14 “You will receive two weeks training every year.”

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. more...

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.
The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."
she got fired!

HOW I FIRED MY SECRETARY:
Two weeks ago, I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me...
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.
I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis more...