Boyfriend Jokes / Recent Jokes

What girls say and their real meanings (in parentheses)
1) Can't we just be friends?
(There is no way in hell i am going to let any part of your body touch any part of my body again.)
2) I just need some space.
(..... without you in it.)
3) Can you help me with my homework?
(If I keep whinning, the fool will do it for me.)
4) Do I look fat in this dress?
(We haven't had a fight for a while.)
5) No, pizza's fine.
(Cheap bastard.)
6) I just do not need a boyfriend now.
(I just do not want you as a boyfriend.)
7) I don't know; what do you want to do?
(I can't believe that you have nothing planned.)
8) Come here.
(My puppy does this too.)
9) I like you but.........
(I don't like you.)
10) You never listen.
(You never listen.)
11) We're moving too quickly.
(I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.)
12) I'll be ready in a more...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. She is now noticing that Husband 1. 0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Husband 1. 0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2. 4, GirlsNight 3. 5 and CocktailNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Husband 1. 0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw more...

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
So he did, and his hands warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with more...

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink?"

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the fart. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Bailey!"

The woman thought, "This is great!", and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and more...

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.
"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!
The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.
"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.
"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.
The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!