Boyfriend Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.
"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while more...

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh thats the Robinsons, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!" *************************************** One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!" *************************************** One day this girl was talking more...

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend."As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"! The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket."He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table."He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar, enjoying a drink. The girl goes to the bathroom and returns crying, so her boyfriend asks her what happened.
"When I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wants to kiss my breasts all night long!" she sobs.
The boyfriend stands up and removes his jacket.
"Then, he said he wants to screw me all night long!" she moans. By this time, the boyfriend is furious and starts walking towards the pool table.
"And then," she continues, "he said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night long!" The boyfriend stops in his tracks, turns around, sits back on his bar stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned. "Aren't you going to do anything about that jerk at the pool table?" she asks.
"I'm sorry, honey," the boyfriend says, "but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!"

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine..."You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about." What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks. The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

A MAN`S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven`t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA`S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON`T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don`t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON`T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can`t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don`t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I`LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I`m ready, but I`m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I`LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I`m just being nice; there`s no way I`m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I`M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We`re gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5. 0 system.
In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7. 4, NBA 3. 2 and NHL 4. 1.
Conversation 8. 0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate