Brain Jokes / Recent Jokes
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ”
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't more...
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words' This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
Guys: The next time you want a gal to trust you, just hug her. For at least twenty seconds.
Gals: Sorry, this trick doesn't work on guys.
According to a recent article in the SF Chronicle, research shows that the female brain naturally releases a pleasure-boosting hormone after a 20-second hug. The embrace bonds the woman to her hugger and triggers her trust circuits. [Re: Louann Brizendine's new book, The Female Brain]
Note: I'm not sure this ploy will work on married women. I tried a long hug on my wife when I arrived home yesterday, and she immediately became susp*cious: "What are you up to?"
Maybe I should have hugged her silently, rather than whispering sweet nothings in her ear: "one-hippopotamus, two-hippopotamus, three-hippopotamus..."
A Sardar went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: Ji, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Sardar interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That's true ji. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions!
Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. ”
What do you call a man who has lost 99% of his brain?
A widower.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
How do you grow your own dope?
Plant a man.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote more...